Painful Goodbye
by Ayame2004
Summary: Ray writes a letter to Neela that she happens upon by accident. Following the events of 'Strange Bedfellows'


Author's notes: I wrote this after watching 'Strange Bedfellows' I was deeply moved by the chemistry between Ray and Neela and this little piece popped into my head. I know I have been away from the ER fanfic curcuit for quite some time but this... the pain... is something that I feel deeply and personally. I hope you all enjoy this attempt at an angst filled story. I may write a follow up later. Depending on the response and on the events of the show.

Enjoy, read and review, and as always, I do not own these beautiful souls.

Dear Neela,

I'm sorry things have ended this way between us. I poured my heart to you last night. I told you that you were my best friend but I said something I didn't mean. I said that I hated the way I feel. Truth is, I don't hate it. What I hate is that I am too late. You are married and soon you and Michael will be living the perfect life, a life I have, only until recently, have been dreaming about. The thing is, these dreams all involve you. I'm not afraid to admit that anymore, at least not to myself.

I fear that this letter will never reach you because, honestly, I don't think I will ever gain enough courage to actually deliver it to you. Neela, I want you to know that there is not a person in this world, in my world, that I respect more than you. You are the best friend I have ever had. You understood me when no one else would. You protected me and put yourself on the line for me. I can't tell you what that means to me. Most of my friends were only there because I was in a band and they could crash at my, our, place anytime they needed to. There was no true friendship in those cases. It was only you.

If you ever read this I hope that things will soon return to normal between us. I don't want to see tension spark between us that will affect the one solid thing I know is in both of our lives. Our jobs and our patients. Please, know that I am sorry for any confusion or pain that living with me may have caused. If I could take it back I would in a heart beat. Also, know that… know that I love you. I love you as a sister, as a friend, and… as so much more.

I will always be there for you.

Love,

Ray.

He finished the letter and read it over and over again. He wished that this was something he realized before she slipped away. He sighed heavily and put the letter in an envelop. Maybe he would deliver the letter, just not now. One day she would know how he felt and how much he worried about her and feared for her physical and mental health. But not now. It was not right.

He wrote Neela on the envelope and pushed it off to the side of the coffee table and slowly, stood and left for work. Before leaving he looked back and wiped the stray tears from his eyes then turned and left.

Two hours later the lock to the apartment clicked open and Neela stepped in. She damned herself for leaving something as mundane as her toothbrush here but was relieved when she discovered Ray was at work. She couldn't bare to face him right now. The night before she sat up all night thinking about what Mrs. Gallant had said to her.

What if she did say in Chicago? Would they find a way to be together? 'Do I really love Michael?' she asked herself over and over again. Finally, forfeiting to a sorrow induced exhaustion, she slept with dreams of one person. Ray.

She ran to the bathroom and grabbed the forgotten item and as she was leaving something caught her eye. It was an envelope with her name on it. In Ray's handwriting. She picked up the letter and ripped it open, feeling no remorse in invading the privacy of the letter she might have never been expected to read. Her eyes scanned the words and tears flew freely from her eyes.

The letter fell to the floor as she took a pen from her purse and wrote four words on the envelope.

"I love you too."

She closed the door and whispered a hushed apology to the image of Ray Barrnett, of the dreams of a life with the man that was there when her husband was in Iraq. She would forget the man that loved her so much. She had to.


End file.
